The perfect date or mate

You know, in beauty pageants when they say, "Describe your perfect date?" Usually, if we aren't talking about the answer from Miss Congeniality, the person describes the activities they would do on their perfect date. 

Here's that clip from Miss Congeniality for your amusement. 

I feel like part of the perfect date depends on the person you're with too though. You know, if the guy doesn't like the beach, you probably aren't going to have a good time walking barefoot on the beach discussing books and movies because he'll be complaining about shells or how scared he is of sharks or something. 

Every girl has talked about her idea of the perfect guy. This usually occurs at sleep overs, or in your sorority in college or over your lunch break from work, or any time ever, basically. I have no idea when men might talk about these things or if they do at all. Perhaps it's one of those topics that comes up when guys get too drunk to care about showing emotions right before they start to punch through walls. You don't know guys that do that? Well, your loss. 

I inadvertently gathered information on many of my friends' perfect guys/girls. I didn't mean to obtain all of this knowledge it's just one of those things that happened and then I was so interested I just started asking more friends. 

I came to the conclusion that everyone is insane. 

Exhibit A:

Let's start with one of my dude friends. He has A LOT of strict things his lady must have. His words, not mine. It's actually hilarious when you think about it when people say their ideal mate has specific physical aspects, such as big boobs or curly hair, because....what? Sure, certain physical aspects are more attractive to us than others but what are the odds, really? So, I'm overlooking those. But apparently his dream girl can't be much smarter than him, can't cook much better than him, must like whisky, must like/enjoy his music and must like football/all sports. 

So, there's that. The cooking part cracks me up because I don't know many guys that can cook or many that wouldn't want a girl to cook better than them. But I also don't know a girl that would be upset if her man was a good cook. 

In his defense, he is in no hurry to find someone, which I admire. We're all rushing around trying to find people so we don't end up alone, which is just a silly way to go through life. I say that now when I worry all the time about ending up alone. 

Exhibit B: 

One of my girl friends said seeking the "perfect" mate is just a recipe for disaster (agreed.) But overall she wants someone who understands her, that makes her think and challenges her to grow as a person. The growing as a person thing was a common theme among the friends I asked.

I suppose that's one of those responsible things you realize you need after a few failed relationships. 

Exhibit C:
Another guy said: honest, accepts him for who he is, caring, funny....attractive. I know I said you shouldn't pick out what the person looks like, but if you are in no way attracted to someone it is NEVER going to work. NEVER. So, if someone says they are looking for someone that's attractive, that's OK and duh. To finish off he said kind of nerdy and likes to do physical activities. 

Exhibit D: 
I guess mostly just my guy friends answered me because this is another guy. Most of my girl friends are  engaged, married or in relationships and I didn't want to ask them because like, hello, they're with someone and that could get awkward. So this dude says he wants a mate he can grow with. Him and a partner may not see eye to eye but they'd respect their differences and bring the best out of each other.

Exhibit E: 
Lastly, another bud of mine says he just wants someone to laugh with.

But when you asked me the question of "describe my perfect woman" honestly I could only see one thing. Someone who I can roll around laughing with who has a smile that melts my heart and though I can't stop looking at it, I also can't stop myself from kissing those beautiful lips.

Again, his words not mine. But, awwwww, how adorable is that!? Ladies, if you're looking for someone, apparently I know a lot of single guys, and that's the cutest description ever. Not that I'm trying to pimp them out or anything, just, you know, trying to be helpful.

Exhibit F: 
[Caution: Not suitable for anyone under the age of 13... or 16 or something] Another guy sent me this picture when I asked him what his perfect woman would be like. I mean, he was joking, probably. I think. I just know guys are going to look at that picture and think "YES, why have I not seen that before!?"

One friend wants a jacked guy that's really normal, one girl wants someone really smart to intellectually challenge her, at times I want a cowboy that can treat me as well as country songs say the guys treat their belles. Once, my friend told me she likes normal, buff guys and I like skinny, weird guys.

I guess this was my own version of a psychological survey. All I've ever heard is that when you look for someone, you'll never find them, it kind of just happens. 

I do vividly remember a friend in Alabama kind of casting off a bunch of fellas before giving them a chance for a myriad of reasons, too young, too old, their job sucked, they liked country music blah blah blah. See that is something that's not cool. 

I HATED country music before I dated one of my exes. I thought it was a bunch of people singing about losing their truck, dog, wife and mobile home. Now, I love it. It just grew on me. It's just giving people a chance. Just to cover my bases, I'm not saying give every lad or lassie a chance. They totally could be CraigsList killers. 

Really, I just wanted to show that everyone has their ideas and preferences, some are better directed than others. But, coming from a girl that has been told a few times she's never going to get married, I feel a camaraderie in this brotherhood of men (and women) that are kind of floating through life trying to figure out what's going on. 

Did I tell you a guy I went to interview for work said something along the lines of this: "...so they're coming down here and trying to find a boyfriend and all those others things they've got to do to function as a human being and find fulfillment in life."

I'm not sure how he meant it, but it sure felt like he was telling me I need a man to function in society. So, thank you all for making me feel like I don't NEED that, it's just nice to know we're a benevolent brotherhood in the same slightly leaky boat. 

Honestly, someone please just send me the guy who plays Q in Skyfall... who is a skinny, possibly weird, guy. 

She's so heavy...

You know that Beatles song I Want You (She's So Heavy)? If you don't know what I'm talking about, here you go.

 
I do realize that this version is from the movie Across the Universe, but the actual 
recording wouldn't embed, so here you go. Enjoy.

Let's skip over all of the wanting someone so bad part. This is not an unrequited love/Taylor Swift song type post. It's the "she's so heavy" part I want you to direct your attention to. When Lennon wrote this song I'm sure he wasn't thinking EXACTLY about heavy like emotionally but I'm sure that is in there somewhere. 

A friend of mine described me as heavy once, as in everything just means so much to me and is such a big deal. She clarified this by saying that wasn't a bad thing. I wasn't even mad, I kind of know what she means. And everyone can be "heavy" about certain aspects of life. I suppose workaholics are heavy about their professional lives, people in gangs are heavy about their reps....that was a weird example because I don't know anything about being in a gang...

Or do I?

No I really don't, but hopefully that comparison makes sense. 

I am heavy about my social life. I kind of thought this came about after the relationship I had in college which kind of tore me up. I was SO wrong. Just, completely and entirely incorrect. Way off the mark...you could probably add more cliches about being wrong in there too, just for good measure, that's how wrong I was. 

Sure, major events that impact your life can cause you to change your emotional or mental state or something, but I've been like this since forever apparently. Over this Thanksgiving week I watched some home movies with my parents on VHS (they actually brought the extra VCR from Kansas City and left it with me here in Florida. So, who wants to watch some vintage VHSes?). There was one family reunion tape where I was a cute baby, unable to make a fool of myself or appear like a brat, which is the downfall of having home movies. Then there was this one where I think I was in middle school.

It is a well documented fact that middle school is by far the most awkward point in basically everyone's lives. Also, we start to act like little assholes which lasts through high school. In this home movie I am playing croquet (seriously) and I am totally sucking at it and I am just like the most lanky, awkward girl in the whole world. This was before I got my braces (my front teeth looked huge) before I embraced my glasses (in my defense that didn't happen until after I had graduated from college) and nothing I wore seemed to fit as well as it probably should have if I hadn't been so ungainly (CONFESSION: I just looked up another word for awkward in the thesaurus because I was using it too much. You're welcome.)   

Other than how gawky (thank you thesaurus) I was, I also was super sarcastic with my mom. I actually wanted to slap little me, I was so annoyed with myself. Apparently, the sarcasm didn't just develop after  four years of college, oops. 

Back to the heavy thing. My friend recently located her DeviantArt account. I also had one but I totally forgot about it until I was looking through her's and located it (the username is just so nerd-a-rific it's unreal.) I guess I had posted some of the poems I wrote when I was in high school and dear Lord, they are so emo and dark and HEAVY. So, so heavy. I'll post one, if you want to read the other ones you have to ask very nicely and maybe give me some beer or something. Be kind.  

The element of love--
Yes, it is an element all it's own.
Correction: It is all the elements on it's own.
The air you cannot breath when you see her,
The ice-water that forms whirlpools in you stomach when you see him,
The fire that glares whenever you're near him,
The earth that remains lodged beneath your finger nails after that game
Of football you played to impress her.

My name means “worthy of love.”
I was born two days before Valentine's Day.
I chose Latin, from which all romance languages stem from.
I have never been in love.
It's a curse triggered by the many love allusions that are hidden in my life,
A curse placed upon me by Aphrodite herself, forcing me to wear a halo--
More of a barrier, against romantic advances.
I wish
Then I would have an excuse.
I don't
I don't have the ability to fall gracefully after being hit by Cupid's arrow,
Instead I am wounded by it,
It aches forever and I am unable to ease the dull, nagging pang.
I continue to pick at the scab it leaves,
Ripping the sore apart.
I do not have dirt beneath my nails,
I have the remains of my dried blood under them.
When it heals I know I've lost, I am left with a scar,
I just couldn't let myself
Fall, trip, dive into love--
Now it's gone.

Holy hell, right?!  I wrote this in high school! At least now I try not to take everything as seriously. It's kind of funny because I read this now and I see this theme of me being afraid I'm going to end up alone and never get married. Welp, old habits (read: neurotic worries) die hard. 

There's this part in Bridesmaids where Annie and Helen are discussing how people change, it goes like this:  

[referring to Lillian not joining them to play tennis]
Annie: Well, you know, she's not really that into sports. Even when we were little she didn't like anything that was too competitive.
Helen: Oh, she certainly enjoys playing tennis now. It's funny how people change, isn't it?
Annie: Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Do people really change?
Helen: Mmm. I think they do.
Annie: Yeah. But I mean like, still stay who they are, pretty much.
Helen: I think we change all the time.
Annie: I think we stay the same, but grow I guess, a little bit.
Helen: I think if you're growing, then you're changing.
Annie: But I mean we're changing from who we are, which we always stay as.
Helen: Not really. I don't think so.
Annie: I think so.
Helen: I don't.

I DO believe people can change, thank God, or everyone would suck. I also believe there are parts of us that apparently don't despite our best intentions. 

Thankful, grateful, nifty

It’s thankful time again. All week my Facebook timeline has been flooded with optimistic, gratified statuses from friends and Facebook people I knew at one point in my life.

They are mostly all the same, you know the shtick, “I’m thankful for my family, they’re the best. I love them so much.” Or “I’m thankful for a great weekend with the best friends anyone could ever ask for.” Or, “[insert a line about the sun coming out tomorrow Annie-style yada yada]”

I guess it was this Facebook phenomenon that I had never heard of where every day of November you post something you are thankful for.

I think that's a really great idea, honestly, I know it sounds like I'm making fun of it, but it's a good idea in theory. Many of us truly have a TON to be grateful for and proud of. But it’s one of those things that you’re going to post, people are going to “like” it, you’ll feel all warm from the attention and proud of how humble you’re being, then you’ll probably forget about it in 24 hours.

Example (I’m making this up, but I bet you all are going to know what I’m saying here):

Facebook post = “I am thankful for my job. There are so many people out there that aren’t fortunate enough to be working or they’re having a difficult time getting hired. I'm blessed to be in a good place professionally.”

FAST FORWARD 24 hours

Conversation with a coworker = “I am so pissed, I can’t believe no one appreciates my work. Also, come on, who works on the Friday after Thanksgiving? …mumble mumble, slave drivers.”

Don’t get me wrong; I am just as guilty as the next person of this stuff. Who doesn’t come home after a pretty nifty* day at work and immediately become this grumpy bear-animal as if everything bad in the world happened to you. 

I think I actually did that yesterday. 

I'm not sure how to remedy this ridiculousness, but I suppose it could start by legitimately being grateful for the things we have. You know, not just for the day you say it, but for all the time and all the days of all the year. 

It's like how we're supposed to keep the Christmas spirit (charitable, family-fuzzies, goodwill toward men and so on and so forth) all year long. We all know that doesn't happen. We are total Scrooges the majority of the time. So, with Thanksgiving a day away, let's try for TWO days, as opposed to one, to be thankful for, at least, the fact that we're here and able to do and experience stuff.

Thankful to what you might ask? Well, that's up to you. Maybe it's accident, evolution, happenstance, God's will, nature, science, serendipity, chance, destiny or the flying spaghetti monster. Whatevs. You're here and even if we're all just little creatures in a giant being's ant farm, that's something.

Don't I sound optimistic right now? I should join the Optimist club or something (I bet you thought I was making up the Optimist Club. Oh no, my friend, that's real.) Everything is a little "Kumbaya" at the moment and I'm not sure where it came from but I'm rolling with it. 

*For those of you youngins, “nifty” means pretty darn good, in case you were confused. 

My warrior name is...

Remember those quizzes on Facebook that would determine silly things, like your spirit animal (mine's a wolf), what house in Hogwarts would you be sorted into and which Sex and the City girl you are (I'm Carrie)? Well, those used to be an obsession of mine. I loved answering generic questions and being given someone or something to identify with.

OK, let’s be real here, when you meet someone and somehow being a big Harry Potter fan comes up, have you ever asked what house they’d be in? See, I have. It’s like asking your zodiac sign for the nerdy set.

Anyway, this week on The Mindy Project, something reminded me of those quizzes.

In the show, Mindy is given some advice on how to handle people kicking your ass emotionally …or physically I guess. One of her coworkers tells her that there’s a warrior inside and that whenever someone messes with you, they’re really messing with the warrior. You just let your warrior take over, or something. I think you get the point I’m trying to make here, hopefully.

Like, remember when Beyonce is Sasha Fierce on stage? Like that. So, anyway [Spoiler Alert] Mindy’s warrior name is Beyonce Pad Thai. After watching this episode my friend texted me and asked me what my warrior name would be.

It is so hard to decide something like that. It’s a big decision, you know. Like when someone asks you what song represents you, you have to think of something cool but plausible. If you say something like “Ohio is for Lovers” everyone will think you hate the world or are just really angry, or if you say “Diva” by Beyonce you are totally overestimating how cool you are. Maybe I just over think these things.

I already went through this whole picking out a name thing when that same friend texted me from a burlesque show and asked what my burlesque name would be. I did, however, come up with a name I would TOTALLY want if I ever did burlesque, are you ready?

Lotte L’Amour

Isn’t that awesome!? Can you just imagine a sexy chick lounging on a fainting couch with a cigarette on a long stick? Maybe it smells like Voltaire #5 and some sexy French music is playing in the background really softly. Whatever, don’t judge.

Or it's like when people have names for their drunken personas. I bet almost every one of you has a friend named Ashley that transforms into Smashley when she’s passed the tipsy point of the evening. I like to think of my drunk persona as a cowgirl. She flirts, she dances, she knows no personal boundaries, she is entirely too trusting, makes questionable desicions and really likes batting her eyes. Also, sometimes this weird little twang comes out when I’m feeling pretty loose after drinking a bit. I don’t know exactly what that is about.

I did an interview for work the other day with a derby girl, as in roller derby, and her derby name was Climaxxx. It's wicked. She was talking about how your derby image can be totally different from who you are on a daily basis. Where she took on a dominatrix-type character for derby, in normal everyday life you would never dream she would be carrying a whip into a roller rink.  

I still don’t know what my warrior’s name would be, I’ll keep thinking and get back to you on that. But the whole point is, all of us love to have these little escapes. They are like excuses about why we act a certain way, or once you are that persona it isn’t really you anymore. The funny thing is, all of our personas are a part of us. It’s just different facets. I guess the thing to do is embrace all of them.  Right?

It’s a Jekyll and Hyde thing. Jekyll is always in Hyde and vice versa. Let’s use a more modern example. It’s a Hulk thing.

If we know those characters are inside of us we can control them, or use them for the better. That’s a warning, FYI. I’m totally naming my warrior so don’t mess with me, she might come out and I don’t think you’ll want to be on the receiving end.

PS. I’m a Slytherin, and you?

Time to hibernate

It's about that time of year, weather getting colder the hot chocolate cravings start up, that's not really the case where I am, but for other people it is. Every once in a while it gets down in the 60s here, if that counts. It's time to pick up a Starbucks drink, if only because it has a cute winter scene on it, it's like an accessory + caffeine.

That also means it gets dark really quckly. So, whenever I get home from work, the sun is basically down. That means all I want to do is sit on the couch and veg. Game over. I still have Halloween candy hanging around that I continuously munch on (gummy body parts, in case you were wondering) all I want to do is make really thick, buttery, starchy food and I don't want to work out. That basically means it's time to hibernate for the winter. It's getting cold anyway, so a layer of fat would do me good <--- said no one ever (except maybe Eskimos.)

So, every other day I attempt to drag my sorry self to the gym at my apartment complex, because running in the dark is terrifying. When I first started running in Florida I was jumping at every rustle of branches and leaf noises because I thought alligators were going to jump out and snap me up. "Jump" really isn't the correct word. I know that alligators can't jump, per se. But I did think they were going to run up to me and bite my leg off, or that I'd end up wrestling around on the ground with one Crocodile  Hunter style.

 

I had to, I love/miss Steve Irwin.

And that was during the day. At night there are creatures and fiends and rapists and muggers and ghosts or Blaire Witches or something. I run with pepper spray during the day, at night I'd need to run with a cross bow. 

Sometimes when I'm feeling especially lazy and I don't want to make the (maybe) 4 minute walk to the workout room, I just do those squat, lunge, jumping jack, wall sit things that you find on Pinterest. The problem is then I'm scared the people downstairs will come knock on my door and complain about the noise from me jumping. You just can't win during the winter. 

Might as well just accept our fate, right? We can always start working out in the spring to lose weight for swim suit season....which is all the time down here. Whatever. 

Here's a really delish recipe that would be groovy for a football related gathering or just because you like buffalo chicken flavored stuff. Bonus: It's slightly spicy depending on what kind of sauce you use (yay! because it's cold out probably), and you can bulk up for the frigid temperatures because it has a ton of ranch, potatoes and cheese in it. You know that sounds good and you want to make it now. Don't pretend. 

The recipe comes from the blog Holy Cannoli Recipes.

Buffalo Chicken and Potato Casserole

• 1 1/2 lb boneless skinless chicken breasts, cut into 1-inch strips

• 1/3 c. Franks hot sauce

• 5c. red potatoes, grated w/ box grater 

• 1 c. light ranch dressing/ blue cheese

• 1/2 c. cheddar cheese, shredded

• 1 (10 oz) can condensed cream of chicken soup

• 1/2 c. panko

1. Heat oven to 350°F. Spray 13x9-inch baking dish with cooking spray.
2. Grate potatoes and lay out and pat with a paper towel to try to get some of the moisture out.
3. In medium bowl, stir together chicken strips and buffalo sauce. Spoon into baking dish in a single layer.
4. In the same bowl, stir together potatoes, dressing, cheese and soup. Spread over chicken. Sprinkle panko evenly over the top.
5. Cover with foil. Bake 30 minutes; uncover and bake 20 to 25 minutes longer or until potatoes are tender and juice of chicken is no longer pink when centers of thickest pieces are cut.

The best advice I’ve been given recently

People give advice all the time. In our minds, it’s just us trying to be helpful. We’re making sure that person doesn’t make the same mistake we’ve made. We just don’t want them to get hurt, we’re trying to make them feel better, blah blah blah the list goes on. Either way, we really want to tell people what they should do. 

If you’re like me, you really don’t want to ever make decisions (they could be wrong!) so I am constantly asking people whether I should go to events, what I should order, if I should workout etc. It’s very annoying. I just want people to take the choices away from me. That’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever read, right? That might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever typed, but I didn’t realize how silly wanting to give up my free will was until right this second. 

Still, I am still going to share the best advice I’ve been given recently, because maybe it will benefit you like it did me. Maybe. Maybe not. Whatever, at least I’m putting it out there, just in case. 

An old friend came in town recently to see our mighty alma mater play football in my current home-state (we lost if you were wondering.) We’ve known each other since middle school and somehow managed to go to the same college. We ended up having some of the same circle of friends, and I hadn’t seen him in a a year and a half, I think. He’s one of those people that isn’t afraid to tell me straight up if I’m an idiot and to get my shit together. 

So, after I tell him how I’ve been struggling since moving to Florida, mostly socially, he tells me what I’m about to tell you. 

Don’t let one issue in your life motivate all the rest of your decisions and actions. I was totally focused on one thing that was wrong and everything I did revolved around that. All of my actions were wondering how I could fix my “problem” or what I could do to correct it. I wasn’t even sure if there was a problem. 

See, it’s all very confusing. But the point is, the only thing that should motivate our decisions and actions is to find happiness and to better ourselves. Does that sound selfish? It isn’t, we help others because that brings us happiness and it improves our outlook on life. 

Example:

Once in college I had to be in a couple psych studies (it was for a class, OK?) One of them was one where they make you take this multiple choice test. Then after you’re done this guy comes over to take it from you. My guy knocked over this container of writing utensils when he was giving me my parting instructions, so I helped him pick them up, and he told me when I got back to my room, I was supposed to log onto this website he gave me and there would be more multiple choice questions, and then the study would be over. I walk home, get on the computer, fill out the questions and after I submit them the next page that comes up explains the whole experiment. Apparently, the study was to see the affect of helping others on your mood. The whole clumsiness thing was a ploy so I’d help the guy. In the other test group people were given something, then they were told to fill out the rest of the survey at home. The people that helped others were more upbeat than the ones that were given something for no reason. 

That was a really long explanation of why helping others makes you feel better, but at least it was a scientific explanation...kind of. What I’m saying is, what makes you happy is often what makes others happy, so it’s kind of a win-win for everyone. 

End of advice. 

PS. I try not to give advice because I had this dream once that my friend shot me because I gave him bad advice. So when I do give advice, I usually REALLY believe in it. 

This is Veteran's Day

I don't know if this is normal for other elementary schools, but my kiddie alma mater made Veteran's Day a very large deal. Each class had to learn a different patriotic song. Some of them were about America, different states, what the states were known for and classic Americana songs. One year my grade learned the U.S. Air Force song.

Off we go into the wild blue yonder,
Climbing high into the sun;
Here they come zooming to meet our thunder,
At 'em boys, Give 'er the gun! (Give 'er the gun now!)
Down we dive, spouting our flame from under,
Off with one helluva roar!
We live in fame or go down in flame. Hey!
Nothing'll stop the U.S. Air Force!

Off we go into the wild sky yonder,
Keep the wings level and true;
If you'd live to be a grey-haired wonder
Keep the nose out of the blue! (Out of the blue, boy!)
Flying men, guarding the nation's border,
We'll be there, followed by more!
In echelon we carry on. Hey!
Nothing'll stop the U.S. Air Force!

There are more lyrics, but we only learned two verses. At the time, honestly, I don't even know if I knew what the Air Force did really. I guess I probably would have said, "Fly planes." 

I also remember singing Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy and playing the chords to go with it on the guitar. You know how in elementary school sometimes kids learn to play the recorder (which isn't a real instrument FYI?) Well, my year they decided to not play recorders and to teach us to play chords on the guitar. I remember none of these, but this is the song anyway.

In other news, who wants to dress up like the Andrews Sisters for Halloween with me someday?

Back to Veteran's Day. I respect the military so entirely I can't put it into words correctly. My ex-boyfriend used to get upset before he saw action, because people would thank him for his service when he was in uniform. I used to try to explain, he was a symbol of those other service men and women that can't be thanked. I'm proud of all of my friends and relatives that are serving or have served. I'm proud of anyone that has served honorably, for their sacrifice and their family's, for everything they've given up so that we can be safe. 

I know this has nothing to do with my elementary school. But when I think back, I'm just so glad we had that big assembly.  I remember we could invite our parents and anyone we knew of that had served. I'm pretty sure that assembly is the reason I know the song "Fifty Nifty United States" which is subsequently why I can say all the states in alphabetical order. We may not have picked up on why our patriotic display was important, but we were acknowledging this country. They were teaching us about our nation, whether we knew it or not. 

In middle school, my choir teacher was a complete nut job but, we sang God Bless the USA before every musical and play we performed. It was like our warm-up tradition. The whole cast would stand in a big circle and put their arms around each other, some of us even knew how to harmonize to parts of it. And you know what, it felt really good to be that close to others singing about the United States. And we were so young we didn't even know about party lines, 9/11 had just happened and we were all just holding onto each other. Granted, we lived in Kansas, we were incredibly removed from most of it, but we learned what had happened, we knew it was scary and that we had been attacked. 

Today, I posted about our veterans on Facebook and Twitter (as most of us did) I donated some money this weekend to the disabled veterans group in the area and gave blood (DISCLAIMER: I am not trying to humble brag) I'm trying to say there's so much more we could be doing. I supposed we could start by becoming a more unified nation. There are states that have petitions to secede from the U.S. right now. People want to boycott American businesses (see my last post) and we're defriending people because of their vehement political views. Just, put it away. There are more important things. The division is only making things worse... I'll get off the soap box now. 

This clip is my favorite America medley ever. It's from the movie With a Song in My Heart, and it's wonderful. 

PS. It's all of this election fallout that's making me so rant-y. I promise I'll stop. 

Rant: Boycotting

I know as soon as people see rant anywhere they head in the opposite direction. No one wants to read angry ramblings. I promise this is not going to be angry, and there won't be any more rambling than normal.

Let's talk about the boycotts people are proposing. Remember Chick-fil-A's anti-gay kerfuffle? Everyone was boycotting the delicious chicken establishment because of their social views and because they were donating money to anti-gay organizations. On the other side of the coin, after Oreo put out an ad supporting gay rights (it was an Oreo stuffed with rainbow colored filling) some people started boycotting them because of their views.

Ok, I can see boycotting Chick-fil-A because of their donations if you don't want your money to go to misguided organizations. But to boycott just because they have a different opinion? I don't agree with Chick-fil-A but I don't agree with a lot of people. I agree with Oreo but I'm not going to go out and buy a bag of them because I agree. Honestly, if they would just keep all of this to themselves, that would be great. I don't want my food choices to be political and they really shouldn't be. 

Moving on to post-election boycotting. Right now, Liberals want to boycott Applebee's and Papa John's after they said they might implement a hiring freeze to offset costs created by ObamaCare. Let's think this through. You want to boycott these companies which will likely make them lose money which will force them to cut work hours and layoff employees? If one person can tell me how boycotting them will actually be helpful in the end, I am all ears. I understand that it may seem like these businesses are only doing this because they hate Obama, but unless you work for them, you don't know how much money they might lose and how new regulations are going to affect their infrastructure.

Now onto my conservative friends that want to boycott actors and companies that endorsed Obama. Are you for real here? Companies are run by people and people have opinions. Most likely they aren't the same as yours but that's what makes America great, isn't it? You want to boycott these places for what reason and at what cost? You are also going to be taking money away from corporations that have employees, and those employees need jobs. It isn't their fault that their corporations have opposing values from you.

And for the love of God, don't heckle the employees at the places you are boycotting, like this guy.

None of this boycotting is going to help our economy or our nation. You want to contribute to higher unemployment, go for it. You want to take money from people that need these jobs to live? Be my guest.

Sometimes I just feel like that line from Dr. Horrible's Sing A-Long Blog:

Because, sometimes, no one is logical. 

For your viewing pleasure, here are some really angry boycott tweets from both sides. 

The Post-Election Blues

I knew this was going to happen, but it doesn’t make it any better. I knew the losers of the election would write terrible, hate-filled posts and the winners would celebrate how much better life is going to be all over social media.  It wouldn’t matter who won or lost, this was going to happen either way.

If all the political sludge upsets you today, whether you won or lost, I’m going to write a list of things that are positive. Also, for the record, if you are still upset today, I assume you didn’t make the cookie recipe I suggested yesterday. You should have, I’m just saying.

1.     The world hasn’t been destroyed by an enormous asteroid. I’m pretty jazzed that last night while I slept I didn’t go the way of the dinosaur.

2.     A nuclear war didn’t erupt wiping out most of our major cities and polluting our food supply. Because I don’t have arms growing from my shoulder blades from radiation, I’m in an upbeat mood.

3.     Anarchy hasn’t consumed towns and cities in our great nation. I haven’t seen any evidence personally of looting and graffiti in places where looting and graffiti don’t already happen. Because I haven’t seen a single Molotov cocktail today, I am a happy camper.

4.     Aliens have decided that today is not the day they are going to take over our planet. When that day comes, I assume it will be a lot like the movie Mars Attacks! That isn’t the case today, which is something to rejoice about.

5.     I still have all my fingers and toes and the ability to move my limbs. I could have woken up at the hands of some crazy serial killer, psychopath a la Saw or Hostile. You didn’t wake up limb-less either. See? That’s a good thing. 

6.     Did you know there’s a caldera in Yellow Stone National Park? That’s like a massive super volcano-type thing for those of you that didn’t have to take a whole class in college about Yellow Stone (true story.) It’s just hanging out there below the surface, until it just gets so bored that it’s going to be like, “Well, guess it’s about time to wipe out this continent, that’ll be exciting.” And then we are all going to suffocate, probably. That didn’t happen, so yay!

7.     Is the zombie apocalypse upon us? I haven’t seen the undead wandering around today. I know I haven’t seen anyone eating another person’s face. That’s a win on the life scoreboard I feel like.

8.     Was the ability to voice your hateful or joyous opinion stripped away? It wasn’t? You’re allowed to post pictures of crying bald eagles, unflattering gifs, unintelligent rants about the amendments that were passed or not and insensitive comments about the losers or winners of the race. There we go. You are doing better than some people in nations across the world.

Does that make you feel better? If it doesn’t, reevaluate your life and get back to me. I’m telling you though, those cookies are miracle workers. 

MAKE THESE! What are you waiting for? If you don't like them ... you're un-American, there I said it.

Election Day

I decided with a coworker today that if cookies were given away after you vote more people would be inclined to go. Granted, people seem to be pretty pumped about the stickers as well, but hello, cookies are always appreciated. You get a bunch of food after you donate blood, that’s so you don’t pass out, but it’s pretty awesome anyway.

I made Michelle Obama’s cookie recipe from Family Circle that was competing against Ann Romney’s cookie recipe to bring into work today. Michelle's recipe sounded AMAZING. And guess what, it was amazing. It may possibly be my favorite cookie recipe ever. There are mints in it. So, say hello to the cookies I’m probably going to be making for Christmas-type events.

I did embellish on the recipe a bit. I drizzled left over white chocolate on top and put red, white and blue sprinkles on there just so everyone would be aware they were freedom cookies. I was a little worried people would miss out on the joy that is the democratic process if they weren’t blatantly American.

My friend told me, “They are cookies. How much more patriotic can you get than butter-infused carb disks?” Touché.

If you are totally going to explode when the results are announced or if you are currently in the process of booking a ticket to Canada, I guarantee these will calm you down in a way Valium never could. 

I set this little display up. Let me tell you, it put everyone in the office in a better mood about the election.

Mama Kaye's White and Dark Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ingredients

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened

1 stick Crisco butter-flavored solid vegetable shortening <--I didn't use butter flavored, I just used regular 

3/4 cup granulated sugar

3/4 cup packed brown sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 eggs

1 cup each white chocolate chips, milk chocolate chips and mint chocolate chips (or Andes mint pieces)

2 cups chopped walnuts <-- I didn't use these

Directions

1. Heat oven to 375 degrees F. In a small bowl, whisk together flour, baking soda and salt. In a large bowl with an electric mixer, cream butter, vegetable shortening, granulated sugar, brown sugar and vanilla extract.

2. Add eggs, 1 at a time, beating well after each addition. On low speed, beat in flour mixture. By hand, stir in white and milk chocolate chips, mint chips and walnuts.

3. Drop rounded tablespoons of dough onto ungreased baking sheets. Bake at 375 degrees F for 10 to 12 minutes or until golden brown. Cool on baking sheets for 5 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely.

Notice how I’m not talking about whom I’m voting for. Do you know why? It’s because no one cares who I’m voting for. They only care because they want me to be voting for the same person. I’d rather not know who you voted for, in case you were wondering. 

Enjoy the cookies though, it's going to be a long night. Also, if your candidate doesn't win, don't berate the entire U.S. because you think they obviously voted wrong. I'm just telling you, you won't make any friends, and people will probably just plot to destroy you. Fair warning, one might be me.