She's so heavy...

You know that Beatles song I Want You (She's So Heavy)? If you don't know what I'm talking about, here you go.

 
I do realize that this version is from the movie Across the Universe, but the actual 
recording wouldn't embed, so here you go. Enjoy.

Let's skip over all of the wanting someone so bad part. This is not an unrequited love/Taylor Swift song type post. It's the "she's so heavy" part I want you to direct your attention to. When Lennon wrote this song I'm sure he wasn't thinking EXACTLY about heavy like emotionally but I'm sure that is in there somewhere. 

A friend of mine described me as heavy once, as in everything just means so much to me and is such a big deal. She clarified this by saying that wasn't a bad thing. I wasn't even mad, I kind of know what she means. And everyone can be "heavy" about certain aspects of life. I suppose workaholics are heavy about their professional lives, people in gangs are heavy about their reps....that was a weird example because I don't know anything about being in a gang...

Or do I?

No I really don't, but hopefully that comparison makes sense. 

I am heavy about my social life. I kind of thought this came about after the relationship I had in college which kind of tore me up. I was SO wrong. Just, completely and entirely incorrect. Way off the mark...you could probably add more cliches about being wrong in there too, just for good measure, that's how wrong I was. 

Sure, major events that impact your life can cause you to change your emotional or mental state or something, but I've been like this since forever apparently. Over this Thanksgiving week I watched some home movies with my parents on VHS (they actually brought the extra VCR from Kansas City and left it with me here in Florida. So, who wants to watch some vintage VHSes?). There was one family reunion tape where I was a cute baby, unable to make a fool of myself or appear like a brat, which is the downfall of having home movies. Then there was this one where I think I was in middle school.

It is a well documented fact that middle school is by far the most awkward point in basically everyone's lives. Also, we start to act like little assholes which lasts through high school. In this home movie I am playing croquet (seriously) and I am totally sucking at it and I am just like the most lanky, awkward girl in the whole world. This was before I got my braces (my front teeth looked huge) before I embraced my glasses (in my defense that didn't happen until after I had graduated from college) and nothing I wore seemed to fit as well as it probably should have if I hadn't been so ungainly (CONFESSION: I just looked up another word for awkward in the thesaurus because I was using it too much. You're welcome.)   

Other than how gawky (thank you thesaurus) I was, I also was super sarcastic with my mom. I actually wanted to slap little me, I was so annoyed with myself. Apparently, the sarcasm didn't just develop after  four years of college, oops. 

Back to the heavy thing. My friend recently located her DeviantArt account. I also had one but I totally forgot about it until I was looking through her's and located it (the username is just so nerd-a-rific it's unreal.) I guess I had posted some of the poems I wrote when I was in high school and dear Lord, they are so emo and dark and HEAVY. So, so heavy. I'll post one, if you want to read the other ones you have to ask very nicely and maybe give me some beer or something. Be kind.  

The element of love--
Yes, it is an element all it's own.
Correction: It is all the elements on it's own.
The air you cannot breath when you see her,
The ice-water that forms whirlpools in you stomach when you see him,
The fire that glares whenever you're near him,
The earth that remains lodged beneath your finger nails after that game
Of football you played to impress her.

My name means “worthy of love.”
I was born two days before Valentine's Day.
I chose Latin, from which all romance languages stem from.
I have never been in love.
It's a curse triggered by the many love allusions that are hidden in my life,
A curse placed upon me by Aphrodite herself, forcing me to wear a halo--
More of a barrier, against romantic advances.
I wish
Then I would have an excuse.
I don't
I don't have the ability to fall gracefully after being hit by Cupid's arrow,
Instead I am wounded by it,
It aches forever and I am unable to ease the dull, nagging pang.
I continue to pick at the scab it leaves,
Ripping the sore apart.
I do not have dirt beneath my nails,
I have the remains of my dried blood under them.
When it heals I know I've lost, I am left with a scar,
I just couldn't let myself
Fall, trip, dive into love--
Now it's gone.

Holy hell, right?!  I wrote this in high school! At least now I try not to take everything as seriously. It's kind of funny because I read this now and I see this theme of me being afraid I'm going to end up alone and never get married. Welp, old habits (read: neurotic worries) die hard. 

There's this part in Bridesmaids where Annie and Helen are discussing how people change, it goes like this:  

[referring to Lillian not joining them to play tennis]
Annie: Well, you know, she's not really that into sports. Even when we were little she didn't like anything that was too competitive.
Helen: Oh, she certainly enjoys playing tennis now. It's funny how people change, isn't it?
Annie: Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Do people really change?
Helen: Mmm. I think they do.
Annie: Yeah. But I mean like, still stay who they are, pretty much.
Helen: I think we change all the time.
Annie: I think we stay the same, but grow I guess, a little bit.
Helen: I think if you're growing, then you're changing.
Annie: But I mean we're changing from who we are, which we always stay as.
Helen: Not really. I don't think so.
Annie: I think so.
Helen: I don't.

I DO believe people can change, thank God, or everyone would suck. I also believe there are parts of us that apparently don't despite our best intentions. 

The best advice I’ve been given recently

People give advice all the time. In our minds, it’s just us trying to be helpful. We’re making sure that person doesn’t make the same mistake we’ve made. We just don’t want them to get hurt, we’re trying to make them feel better, blah blah blah the list goes on. Either way, we really want to tell people what they should do. 

If you’re like me, you really don’t want to ever make decisions (they could be wrong!) so I am constantly asking people whether I should go to events, what I should order, if I should workout etc. It’s very annoying. I just want people to take the choices away from me. That’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever read, right? That might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever typed, but I didn’t realize how silly wanting to give up my free will was until right this second. 

Still, I am still going to share the best advice I’ve been given recently, because maybe it will benefit you like it did me. Maybe. Maybe not. Whatever, at least I’m putting it out there, just in case. 

An old friend came in town recently to see our mighty alma mater play football in my current home-state (we lost if you were wondering.) We’ve known each other since middle school and somehow managed to go to the same college. We ended up having some of the same circle of friends, and I hadn’t seen him in a a year and a half, I think. He’s one of those people that isn’t afraid to tell me straight up if I’m an idiot and to get my shit together. 

So, after I tell him how I’ve been struggling since moving to Florida, mostly socially, he tells me what I’m about to tell you. 

Don’t let one issue in your life motivate all the rest of your decisions and actions. I was totally focused on one thing that was wrong and everything I did revolved around that. All of my actions were wondering how I could fix my “problem” or what I could do to correct it. I wasn’t even sure if there was a problem. 

See, it’s all very confusing. But the point is, the only thing that should motivate our decisions and actions is to find happiness and to better ourselves. Does that sound selfish? It isn’t, we help others because that brings us happiness and it improves our outlook on life. 

Example:

Once in college I had to be in a couple psych studies (it was for a class, OK?) One of them was one where they make you take this multiple choice test. Then after you’re done this guy comes over to take it from you. My guy knocked over this container of writing utensils when he was giving me my parting instructions, so I helped him pick them up, and he told me when I got back to my room, I was supposed to log onto this website he gave me and there would be more multiple choice questions, and then the study would be over. I walk home, get on the computer, fill out the questions and after I submit them the next page that comes up explains the whole experiment. Apparently, the study was to see the affect of helping others on your mood. The whole clumsiness thing was a ploy so I’d help the guy. In the other test group people were given something, then they were told to fill out the rest of the survey at home. The people that helped others were more upbeat than the ones that were given something for no reason. 

That was a really long explanation of why helping others makes you feel better, but at least it was a scientific explanation...kind of. What I’m saying is, what makes you happy is often what makes others happy, so it’s kind of a win-win for everyone. 

End of advice. 

PS. I try not to give advice because I had this dream once that my friend shot me because I gave him bad advice. So when I do give advice, I usually REALLY believe in it.