She's so heavy...

You know that Beatles song I Want You (She's So Heavy)? If you don't know what I'm talking about, here you go.

 
I do realize that this version is from the movie Across the Universe, but the actual 
recording wouldn't embed, so here you go. Enjoy.

Let's skip over all of the wanting someone so bad part. This is not an unrequited love/Taylor Swift song type post. It's the "she's so heavy" part I want you to direct your attention to. When Lennon wrote this song I'm sure he wasn't thinking EXACTLY about heavy like emotionally but I'm sure that is in there somewhere. 

A friend of mine described me as heavy once, as in everything just means so much to me and is such a big deal. She clarified this by saying that wasn't a bad thing. I wasn't even mad, I kind of know what she means. And everyone can be "heavy" about certain aspects of life. I suppose workaholics are heavy about their professional lives, people in gangs are heavy about their reps....that was a weird example because I don't know anything about being in a gang...

Or do I?

No I really don't, but hopefully that comparison makes sense. 

I am heavy about my social life. I kind of thought this came about after the relationship I had in college which kind of tore me up. I was SO wrong. Just, completely and entirely incorrect. Way off the mark...you could probably add more cliches about being wrong in there too, just for good measure, that's how wrong I was. 

Sure, major events that impact your life can cause you to change your emotional or mental state or something, but I've been like this since forever apparently. Over this Thanksgiving week I watched some home movies with my parents on VHS (they actually brought the extra VCR from Kansas City and left it with me here in Florida. So, who wants to watch some vintage VHSes?). There was one family reunion tape where I was a cute baby, unable to make a fool of myself or appear like a brat, which is the downfall of having home movies. Then there was this one where I think I was in middle school.

It is a well documented fact that middle school is by far the most awkward point in basically everyone's lives. Also, we start to act like little assholes which lasts through high school. In this home movie I am playing croquet (seriously) and I am totally sucking at it and I am just like the most lanky, awkward girl in the whole world. This was before I got my braces (my front teeth looked huge) before I embraced my glasses (in my defense that didn't happen until after I had graduated from college) and nothing I wore seemed to fit as well as it probably should have if I hadn't been so ungainly (CONFESSION: I just looked up another word for awkward in the thesaurus because I was using it too much. You're welcome.)   

Other than how gawky (thank you thesaurus) I was, I also was super sarcastic with my mom. I actually wanted to slap little me, I was so annoyed with myself. Apparently, the sarcasm didn't just develop after  four years of college, oops. 

Back to the heavy thing. My friend recently located her DeviantArt account. I also had one but I totally forgot about it until I was looking through her's and located it (the username is just so nerd-a-rific it's unreal.) I guess I had posted some of the poems I wrote when I was in high school and dear Lord, they are so emo and dark and HEAVY. So, so heavy. I'll post one, if you want to read the other ones you have to ask very nicely and maybe give me some beer or something. Be kind.  

The element of love--
Yes, it is an element all it's own.
Correction: It is all the elements on it's own.
The air you cannot breath when you see her,
The ice-water that forms whirlpools in you stomach when you see him,
The fire that glares whenever you're near him,
The earth that remains lodged beneath your finger nails after that game
Of football you played to impress her.

My name means “worthy of love.”
I was born two days before Valentine's Day.
I chose Latin, from which all romance languages stem from.
I have never been in love.
It's a curse triggered by the many love allusions that are hidden in my life,
A curse placed upon me by Aphrodite herself, forcing me to wear a halo--
More of a barrier, against romantic advances.
I wish
Then I would have an excuse.
I don't
I don't have the ability to fall gracefully after being hit by Cupid's arrow,
Instead I am wounded by it,
It aches forever and I am unable to ease the dull, nagging pang.
I continue to pick at the scab it leaves,
Ripping the sore apart.
I do not have dirt beneath my nails,
I have the remains of my dried blood under them.
When it heals I know I've lost, I am left with a scar,
I just couldn't let myself
Fall, trip, dive into love--
Now it's gone.

Holy hell, right?!  I wrote this in high school! At least now I try not to take everything as seriously. It's kind of funny because I read this now and I see this theme of me being afraid I'm going to end up alone and never get married. Welp, old habits (read: neurotic worries) die hard. 

There's this part in Bridesmaids where Annie and Helen are discussing how people change, it goes like this:  

[referring to Lillian not joining them to play tennis]
Annie: Well, you know, she's not really that into sports. Even when we were little she didn't like anything that was too competitive.
Helen: Oh, she certainly enjoys playing tennis now. It's funny how people change, isn't it?
Annie: Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Do people really change?
Helen: Mmm. I think they do.
Annie: Yeah. But I mean like, still stay who they are, pretty much.
Helen: I think we change all the time.
Annie: I think we stay the same, but grow I guess, a little bit.
Helen: I think if you're growing, then you're changing.
Annie: But I mean we're changing from who we are, which we always stay as.
Helen: Not really. I don't think so.
Annie: I think so.
Helen: I don't.

I DO believe people can change, thank God, or everyone would suck. I also believe there are parts of us that apparently don't despite our best intentions.