Love

This is the preamble to a three-part series of posts - they are confessions:

I’m not exactly sure why I decided to be this candid in front of anyone who wants to read this, but I think it has something to do with a type of therapy.  If I write it down and share it I’m acknowledging that I’ve done something, I’m confessing, it’s a penance and something like a punishment - maybe it's just cathartic (not in the same way a T. Swift concert is, a friend gushed once that her concert was a very cathartic experience for him.)

I started out this blog at a really low point. I was writing it as part of my steps toward stability and it did help me recover some of my frail confidence. It continues to do that for the most part as I show the online world how vulnerable I am, my bad choices, flaws and things I’ve learned in attempts to change my frame of mind. 

This is all kind of funny because I just wrote a post about having a bright and shiny outlook, I’m sure I’ll get back there eventually. Right now, this is what I want to say.

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." ~ Ernest Hemingway

Love

I was told recently that I think about the past too much, that I dwell on my former relationships and the irreversible choices I’ve made. This is all true and something that I was already well aware of. Example: I discovered CDs in my car this weekend from two different exes. I don’t know when the last time I listened to them was and I’m not sure why they’re still in my glove box but there they are, one with nothing written on it and the other in Sharpie cursive. 

I’ve only had three exes, three people I wanted to be in a relationship with (if you count my middle school relationship that’s four but I’m not sure anyone does that when the most intimate thing you did was hold hands at the movies.) Two of them I called my boyfriend with a sense of satisfaction I didn’t know possible. In high school, I wouldn’t call my long-term relationship anything, I wouldn’t admit that it was a relationship. I had some nice half-baked "relationships" along the way but none that rivaled those three.  Maybe that’s why I linger so much thinking about them. Without going into any detail, just know all of them ended like a broken bone that you never had set. They bother you and don’t heal quite right and they cause a lot more pain than they ever should.

I can take the blame for the ongoing discomfort; always looking back has a way of tinting everything and making it seem perfect. Even the bad parts can be overlooked and forgotten when you feel like you’re suspended in midair all alone (I imagine it’s what astronauts feel like in zero gravity only emotionally.) It’s scary looking around and having nothing to cling to. So, I’d look back and try to hang onto them to keep me grounded. I’ve never been the type of girl that needed a man , I still don’t think of myself that way, but once I’ve opened myself up to having someone be mine and I theirs it’s like removing a piece of myself to let them go (I assume most of you know what I mean.) I’ve only felt this three times, don’t get confused, I’m not like this with everyone. One of them I couldn’t even say “I love you” to because I was afraid what I felt wasn’t love, I didn’t want to be lying, I wanted to make sure it meant something every time I said it.

There have been periods of time when no one was interested in me romantically at all. Times when I was the friend at the bar, the one that had to be entertained by the friends of a dude that wants to meet the girl friend I came with. This still happens relatively frequently. There were times when a few people liked me at once, where I’d go on one date with someone and decide I didn’t feel anything and that we should just be friends (that was a common occurrence in college.) There were other times when I really liked someone that “friend-zoned” me hardcore. More recently, I’ve had guys at the bar asking for my number. I’ll half-heartedly give it to them thinking I should just give it a chance, to then be so obviously lukewarm and evasive they get the hint and stop trying. Maybe I really am disillusioned with the whole dating thing.

I’ve kind of always thought of myself as a bit bitter, maybe too realistic. I used to say it was because some of my family members had such hurtful experiences involving relationships. I can’t blame it on them. Maybe it came from being told at about 14 by a scorned boy that I'll never get married, and then told again as a 23-year-old. I can't be sure, this is just an aspect of life I struggle with.

So here we are, I melted down recently. Not that I haven’t had mental breaks before, but I would say this one might be the worst (not in terms of depression by any means, just in pure personality-lapse, I didn't react as myself) and triggered my deviation from more amusing posts to, you know, whatever this is. The whole thing had to do with a person, and none of that matters, right now, honestly. I will say however that if I wrote the series of unfortunate events that came to pass I could probably write a pretty decent TV show that could rival The New Girl, The Mindy Project and Girls in awkwardness (and possibly humor, I like to think that in a few months this might be funny.)

Here’s how I explained what I’ve been up to recently in Facebook chat to my daughter that's still in college (pledge daughter that is):

“I've been going to the country bar to line dance, and *                    subsequently melted down mid last week, so I drank for 4 days, proceeded to probably make myself look super psycho, but I'm better now 

I also play soccer”

*Redacted to avoid revealing what happened because at this point it's irrelevant.

I couldn’t really get out of the whole situation unscathed, I could have handled the whole thing better, but I try to handle everything without completely losing it (I'm not saying I don't fail at this sometimes, but in general I tend to not go too overboard.) I think it just wasn’t in me to do it this time. Everyone else gets to fall apart completely, they're usually forgiven. It's kind of like when you get screwed with enough and can't take it anymore you pull a Ralphie (OK so not exactly like that, but emotions are nothing to toy with.) So, it took me from Wednesday to Sunday to do this: 

And I've only kind of achieved the pulling myself together portion

I'm relatively certain the guys I've said "I love you" to have actually both stopped believing I ever meant it for various reasons. I did love them, however, despite my idiocy, poor choices and actions, despite everything they did to me and what I did to them. So, these are my confessions, a little less than a month before Valentine's Day, nearing my 24th birthday. Yes, the past holds me back, it holds a lot of people back because it will always be there. Yes, time heals wounds (kind of) and I know I'll be fine. Eventually, the embarrassment will subside, hopefully it's worse in my head than in real life (not so sure about that one though.) Yes, I am guilty of the typical Southern thinking that I am going to die alone because I can't seem to make this stuff work. Yes, I wish I could go back and react differently (like a lady as opposed to like... the opposite of that but crazy. I don't know what that would be.) Yes, I think I reacted on the side of dramatic and I wish I'd pulled an Audrey as opposed to a Britney, but what can you do. 

And if you think this is weakness you try writing your emotions out, how you're really feeling, try "bleeding" in front of other people. Anyway, no one can be strong all the time. 

The perfect date or mate

You know, in beauty pageants when they say, "Describe your perfect date?" Usually, if we aren't talking about the answer from Miss Congeniality, the person describes the activities they would do on their perfect date. 

Here's that clip from Miss Congeniality for your amusement. 

I feel like part of the perfect date depends on the person you're with too though. You know, if the guy doesn't like the beach, you probably aren't going to have a good time walking barefoot on the beach discussing books and movies because he'll be complaining about shells or how scared he is of sharks or something. 

Every girl has talked about her idea of the perfect guy. This usually occurs at sleep overs, or in your sorority in college or over your lunch break from work, or any time ever, basically. I have no idea when men might talk about these things or if they do at all. Perhaps it's one of those topics that comes up when guys get too drunk to care about showing emotions right before they start to punch through walls. You don't know guys that do that? Well, your loss. 

I inadvertently gathered information on many of my friends' perfect guys/girls. I didn't mean to obtain all of this knowledge it's just one of those things that happened and then I was so interested I just started asking more friends. 

I came to the conclusion that everyone is insane. 

Exhibit A:

Let's start with one of my dude friends. He has A LOT of strict things his lady must have. His words, not mine. It's actually hilarious when you think about it when people say their ideal mate has specific physical aspects, such as big boobs or curly hair, because....what? Sure, certain physical aspects are more attractive to us than others but what are the odds, really? So, I'm overlooking those. But apparently his dream girl can't be much smarter than him, can't cook much better than him, must like whisky, must like/enjoy his music and must like football/all sports. 

So, there's that. The cooking part cracks me up because I don't know many guys that can cook or many that wouldn't want a girl to cook better than them. But I also don't know a girl that would be upset if her man was a good cook. 

In his defense, he is in no hurry to find someone, which I admire. We're all rushing around trying to find people so we don't end up alone, which is just a silly way to go through life. I say that now when I worry all the time about ending up alone. 

Exhibit B: 

One of my girl friends said seeking the "perfect" mate is just a recipe for disaster (agreed.) But overall she wants someone who understands her, that makes her think and challenges her to grow as a person. The growing as a person thing was a common theme among the friends I asked.

I suppose that's one of those responsible things you realize you need after a few failed relationships. 

Exhibit C:
Another guy said: honest, accepts him for who he is, caring, funny....attractive. I know I said you shouldn't pick out what the person looks like, but if you are in no way attracted to someone it is NEVER going to work. NEVER. So, if someone says they are looking for someone that's attractive, that's OK and duh. To finish off he said kind of nerdy and likes to do physical activities. 

Exhibit D: 
I guess mostly just my guy friends answered me because this is another guy. Most of my girl friends are  engaged, married or in relationships and I didn't want to ask them because like, hello, they're with someone and that could get awkward. So this dude says he wants a mate he can grow with. Him and a partner may not see eye to eye but they'd respect their differences and bring the best out of each other.

Exhibit E: 
Lastly, another bud of mine says he just wants someone to laugh with.

But when you asked me the question of "describe my perfect woman" honestly I could only see one thing. Someone who I can roll around laughing with who has a smile that melts my heart and though I can't stop looking at it, I also can't stop myself from kissing those beautiful lips.

Again, his words not mine. But, awwwww, how adorable is that!? Ladies, if you're looking for someone, apparently I know a lot of single guys, and that's the cutest description ever. Not that I'm trying to pimp them out or anything, just, you know, trying to be helpful.

Exhibit F: 
[Caution: Not suitable for anyone under the age of 13... or 16 or something] Another guy sent me this picture when I asked him what his perfect woman would be like. I mean, he was joking, probably. I think. I just know guys are going to look at that picture and think "YES, why have I not seen that before!?"

One friend wants a jacked guy that's really normal, one girl wants someone really smart to intellectually challenge her, at times I want a cowboy that can treat me as well as country songs say the guys treat their belles. Once, my friend told me she likes normal, buff guys and I like skinny, weird guys.

I guess this was my own version of a psychological survey. All I've ever heard is that when you look for someone, you'll never find them, it kind of just happens. 

I do vividly remember a friend in Alabama kind of casting off a bunch of fellas before giving them a chance for a myriad of reasons, too young, too old, their job sucked, they liked country music blah blah blah. See that is something that's not cool. 

I HATED country music before I dated one of my exes. I thought it was a bunch of people singing about losing their truck, dog, wife and mobile home. Now, I love it. It just grew on me. It's just giving people a chance. Just to cover my bases, I'm not saying give every lad or lassie a chance. They totally could be CraigsList killers. 

Really, I just wanted to show that everyone has their ideas and preferences, some are better directed than others. But, coming from a girl that has been told a few times she's never going to get married, I feel a camaraderie in this brotherhood of men (and women) that are kind of floating through life trying to figure out what's going on. 

Did I tell you a guy I went to interview for work said something along the lines of this: "...so they're coming down here and trying to find a boyfriend and all those others things they've got to do to function as a human being and find fulfillment in life."

I'm not sure how he meant it, but it sure felt like he was telling me I need a man to function in society. So, thank you all for making me feel like I don't NEED that, it's just nice to know we're a benevolent brotherhood in the same slightly leaky boat. 

Honestly, someone please just send me the guy who plays Q in Skyfall... who is a skinny, possibly weird, guy.